I remember that I had a bad cough and needed to see a doctor so badly for some prescriptions. A colleague had recommended Doctor S to me, saying that he is a good doctor. So I went, and on entering his clinic door, I couldn't fail to notice the glow on his face and there was something in his eyes when I introduced myself. He examined me and he gave me another appointment after two weeks or so. As I was leaving, he said "Mukiri, your hair looks great''. I said thank you but a voice in my head said "quick recovery could have been better doctor". Later, after two days I received a call from an unknown number. "Hello doctor S here, how are you doing? Just wanted to check on you, hope you are taking your antibiotics, how is the cough?” You can guess my response from the other side, "Okie, goodnight". Wow! He was really the best doctor, he even calls to check on his patients.

"I have never felt loved like the way I did with him."

Two weeks later I went for the check up and my chest was all good. He offered to buy me some cold beverages since it was a sunny hot day with scorching heat, and that beverage turned into many other beverages and nights out. I have never felt loved like the way I did with him. He was everything I was looking for in a man: the way he held my hand, he knew my needs even before I could tell him, he even sent me upkeep money every Monday and sometimes, if the 'business' was good, he would send me a bonus. Gifts flew in every then and now, all I could hear was "do you like it?" “Yes.”  “Take it". He made the year move so fast for me and of course we had plans, plans to get married, go to Dubai for our honeymoon and have kids. Every time he would drop me home, he would kiss me and whisper into my ears: "Please ask Mzee how many cows and goats you are worth". Mzee means old man in Swahili. In my community, dowry is offered in the form of goats and cows. There is also a lot of blood shedding from slaughtering some goats and cows for the wedding rituals, and so each time he asked me that, man! I felt so secure.

One day while on our date as usual on Wednesdays, I had changed my hairstyles to cornrows. Mostly, I used to wear wigs and weaves. He touched my neck and asked "how long have you been having these swellings?" Actually, I hadn't noticed them until then, and by then we had been dating for about one and a half years. He asked to meet him at the hospital the next day. We needed to run some blood tests. I asked what could be the cause of my swellings. He explained that the swellings are called lymph nodes and gave some of their causes. I googled them myself, and HIV was listed as one of the viruses that could cause lymph nodes. We had our dinner and made love as usual, and as I was leaving he asked me, "what if you test HIV positive, what will you do?" I kissed him, smiled and said "I will just take the ARVs".

"I could hear some echo in my head: "You're HIV positive"..."

The next day I went to the clinic as we had agreed and he wrote me some tests and I went to a laboratory nearby. All the tests came out clear, but I didn't take the HIV test, maybe because of the fear of the unknown. I used to joke around saying I would never take myself to the lab to have some test that might change my life completely, but here is Doctor S calling and reminding me that I got one more test remaining. "Please choose a laboratory that you're comfortable with and have the test done, we have to figure out what's wrong with you". I loitered around aimlessly for about half an hour before getting into a laboratory that offered HIV services, and then I went in and had the test done. I knew something was wrong when the lab technician started asking weird questions. "How do you do your laundry with such long nails? Do you have a partner? Why isn't he here with you?" I stared at him as he asked me to look at the two lines from the testing strip. "Do you see the two lines?…That means that you're positive". He suggested we redo the test again and as we did that, he took a little time to counsel me. The second test came out positive as well, and he gave a number that I should contact if I need help. I never cried or showed any emotion and maybe that worried him because I just kept quiet, and as I left, he said "Please don't do anything stupid, don't think of committing suicide". By now, it was already evening. I went home, took a mirror and as I looked at my reflection, I could hear some echo in my head: "You're HIV positive" and that's when I broke down to tears and the tears flowed down my cheeks like two streams. I shared my test results with doctor S, of which he called, we talked a lot for about an hour and we agreed that I should go take a shower and also take my dinner.

"I don't know whether I was too naive or if it was just lack of knowledge, but ever since I broke my virginity, I had never asked for a HIV test before engaging sexually."

The next day I went to work but I couldn't concentrate on my work. I left and went directly to Doctor S's clinic. He requested that we take the HIV test together just to confirm; it turned out positive again. I didn't take time to look at his test results, I was busy crying and leaning on his shoulder, but nothing changed between him and I, actually it's like the fire was ignited once again, until later after some months when I requested that we take the test once again, he ghosted me and has never reappeared. After testing, I had called those that I had engaged with romantically and must say one of them gave quite a response: "that's how we make history, and life moves on''. He even suggested we should meet to have coitus.

I don't know whether I was too naive or if it was just lack of knowledge, but ever since I broke my virginity, I had never asked for an HIV test before engaging sexually. Actually, I did not know that I should request for one, I guess I was so naive, or someone failed to educate me on sex knowledge, or I trusted so much, but somehow I believe it was my fate to be positive. I have dated four guys who are HIV positive, of which only one I knew of his HIV status because it was an online connection, but for the other three they never disclosed. I just found out through my own ways, so how could I have escaped the virus, isn't that what we call destiny?

To those who are negative, don't be fooled by our beautiful glowing skin. I don't know for you but my ARVs seem to be the best anti-aging pills, so take the test or normalize carrying a packet of condoms.