It’s been a while since I have written anything. Like nearly everyone else on the planet, my year has been monopolized by COVID-19. My creative energy has felt drained. It’s been a mentally challenging year. I know that it has been harder for many others. I’m aware of my privilege. My family and I are healthy, good financially, and we live in Canada. I am thankful. Still, I am struggling. It’s been a year of giving up things. Doing my best to keep some sort of a social life going so I do not feel too disconnected and alone.

Near the beginning of the year, my father died. Not of COVID-19. Funny how you have to say that now. He died of a heart attack. He was not in good health and we were not close. Still, I began the year grieving. He passed away right before the lock-down started in the Spring. So, like (so many others) I did not get to attend a funeral. I just spoke with my weeping step-mother on the phone. She barely speaks English. Those conversations were hard, and I am not sure I helped her at all. My own grief came, went, and may come again.

During all of this, the lock-down happened. Those couple of months were a blur. I only saw my child and partner. Child-care and school disappeared over night. We did our best to give each other breaks and there were some lovely moments spending time with my family. There was also the constant worry about catching COVID-19, parental burn out, and whether our jobs would come back. I felt angry a lot. Going out on bike rides alone, pushing myself physically helped. Everything I had planned for the year was either on hold or cancelled. I was suddenly expected to parent, all the time. Many of the things I did to help feel the happiest were no longer options. Dancing, hanging out with my friends and going to the gym used to be mental safety valves. You know the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”. For us, that village had been friends for playdates, school, dance, and babysitting. It was a very hard adjustment. I started to have bouts of anxiety and depression. I asked my doctor for anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication so I could pull myself out of it. It was a good decision. After a while, the anxiety attacks stopped. I felt like a better parent.

"Life is never predictable. I know that. This year has been less predictable than most. I am getting better with being unable to plan anything."

Eventually, the initial lock-down ended. We were told we could have contact with six other people outside of our household and most businesses opened back up. My daughter had been out of school all spring. We had managed on-line schooling with some degree of grace. I went on a lot of physically distanced walks with members of my bubble of six. We went to restaurants again and sat outside having drinks in the sun. We hung out at the beach with friends, one at a time. My partner started work again. I started auditioning again. Things were much better. I eventually found a reliable babysitter and my daughter did some summer camps. School started up again in the Fall.

Things were different though. Our family could not really have a “safe six.” I question if anyone who had a child really could. If your child goes to school, then how can you say you only have six close contacts? The same could be said for anyone who goes to work outside the home, eats inside at a restaurant, or goes to the gym. With this in mind, we kept our distance from everyone and just saw a total of six people. Usually outside and always at a distance. Now, my auditions are all done at home and then the tapes are sent in. It is “safer”, but it feels like my work goes out into a void. I miss getting direction when auditioning and even the excitement. I miss hugging my friends. I wonder if the casual joy of togetherness will return. I have had dreams sitting close to friends, putting our arms around each other and laughing. Close enough that I can feel their warmth.

My partner wears a mask all day at work. He gets tested three times a week for COVID-19. The fear of catching this disease is never far from his mind. My daughter wears a mask to all her activities. Now lockdown seems to be approaching again. We have been in a partial lock-down for the last couple of weeks. No social interaction with anyone outside our immediate household. So, no more outside playdates for my child or outside drinks on a heated patio with a friend. Since the number of cases in British Columbia, Canada (where we live) have gone up recently, our babysitter decided she is not okay coming over to the house even though childcare is exempt from the latest rules. I do not blame her. Her family is in touch with her 90-year-old grandmother. I am hoping numbers improve and she will be okay to return in a few weeks. Who knows, though. That has been the most difficult part of the last year. Never knowing how long something will last. Life is never predictable. I know that. This year has been less predictable than most. I am getting better with being unable to plan anything. I even cut down on the anti-anxiety medication over the Summer and Fall. Hoping I will not have to increase my dose again. Hopefully, I can manage these changes, the isolation, and uncertainty of it all. The Winter of COVID-19.

"I wonder if the casual joy of togetherness will return. I have had dreams sitting close to friends, putting our arms around each other and laughing. Close enough that I can feel their warmth."

There is hope of a vaccine sometime next year. Maybe British Columbia will manage to flatten the curve, like we did in the Spring. I try to remind myself that this is just one year. Next year will be different. There are so many people working on a vaccine for this disease. Maybe by the end of the year, I will be vaccinated and able to hug my friends again. Those hugs will be very long and cherished.