“Doreen, you are HIV positive and you will start new medication called antiretrovirals (ARVs) that you will take for the rest of your life”. These were my doctor’s words in April 2005. You would think this disclosure was supposed to change my life, my ambitions and expectations, but instead it made me excited because I thought now I will be eating “nice food” because every time my mum took me to hospital, she would treat me to fries, soda and chicken during monthly hospital travels, and the best part was not waking up to go to school one day every month. In my mind I was happy- it wasn’t life-changing in a bad way, and I thought it was a good thing I also got to take some really colourful pills that were my antiretrovirals, unlike the big old septrin which I had been taking since my official diagnosis.

For most people their HIV diagnosis is tragic, it’s like a death sentence has been handed to them and they have to face this long, dreadful journey, and for some, alone. It’s sad that some even choose to do this on their own. The words “you are HIV positive” changes lots of lives, most times for the worst, but that wasn’t my reality, mine was different. I saw the positive in my HIV positive status, but unfortunately, I might be among the few people who view HIV from this angle. For most, HIV is made to feel like this big bad monster causing many of us to live in fear and secrecy because we don’t know what other people will think. 

"I saw the positive in my HIV positive status, but unfortunately, I may be among the few people who view HIV from this angle."

My positive mindset towards my HIV status changed just a few years after my disclosure, after I joined high school and because of the shared amenities, I wasn’t able to hide my antiretrovirals from my peers and now I had to lie that I had a heart condition, because I thought nobody would stigmatize me for having a hole in myheart, they empathized, they loved me, they cared. But I dreaded telling them I was living with HIV because then I would get a different reaction. Ever since I disclosed my status publicly, I have been asked: “how did you get it?” … “how many people have you infected?” …. “Can you have children?” …. “Can you get married?” “….aaaw we love you despite your status” and some people don’t even hide behind the “love”; they straight up tell you that you are going to die and ask why you let yourself get infected? And if you were born with it, why didn’t your mother protect you? For these reasons sometimes I don’t regret lying that I had a heart condition, because people are nicer until they know you have HIV.

I stopped taking my ARVs for 2 years because I was afraid of “what people will say”, I wanted to be “normal” but I am NORMAL, I had just limited myself to my status. I let people stigmatize me, I let people’s opinions get into my head. If I would have had died at that time in my life, the people I was so concerned about, who I was hiding from, who I was trying to prove that I was normal to, would probably have asked “but why didn’t she just take her ARVs?”. We worry too much about what people say, think or perceive and we forget that people will always have something to say. Most young women living with HIV like me are scared to date, go on their first date, fall in love, get married because of “what will people say?” or “how will my potential partner take it?”. I say: go on that first date, fall in love, start that relationship, and if it ends in tears, we have an after-tear party! Just because you are living with HIV doesn’t mean your status limits you. Break the cycle, view it how I viewed it when my doctor disclosed to me “travel, new pills, nice food and good sleep”! It worked for me right until I let people project how they felt about HIV and I started feeling the same way. 

"Go on that first date, fall in love, start that relationship, and if it ends in tears, we have an after- tear party!"

It took me so much time to feel free, to accept myself and to go back to seeing HIV how I first saw it. Since then, I have been thriving positively, living beyond those two lines (+) that declared me HIV positive. Don’t let what people say about HIV be your walking stick, that is them, this is you and your life. HIV hasn’t stopped you from living- do not let “WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY” stop you from being the amazing and awesome individual you were always meant to be!

I hope you enjoyed my read…. Until next time.

DEE.