My Happy Place Vol. 2: Moving Online Romance Offline
August 13, 2018I Am HIV-Positive. This Is What It’s Like to Date
August 23, 2018My Happy Place Vol. 2: Moving Online Romance Offline
August 13, 2018I Am HIV-Positive. This Is What It’s Like to Date
August 23, 20182 Comments
The Point Of No Return
One of the few reasons I stayed in my abusive marriage was because I feared exposing our virus to the world. You see, when you are married with an abusive partner, you learn to hide things quite well, or so you think. I knew that the dating scene would come with its challenges—challenges I once faced as a youngster and even more now that I am in my thirties, with children and with HIV. My fear of disclosure, of revealing my secret to others, held me hostage of the unknown, even though the known was the worst kind of relationships. I literally gave my power away to my husband and my health, amongst other things, suffered the consequences. I was continuously sick. My self-esteem was non-existent. I was depressed and so on. Facing the truth and deciding what to do about it felt like an impossible task. One thing I know beyond the shadow of a doubt is that HIV tends to aim for your self-esteem. If the virus has managed to damage your self-esteem, then it has won your life.
My fear of disclosure, of revealing my secret to others, held me hostage of the unknown, even though the known was the worst kind of relationships.
A time came when I had to consciously decide whether to allow the virus to continue to make decisions in my life or to take charge. I chose the latter. Little did I know that very decision would be tested within a short period. The full extent of some decisions is rarely known when they are taken; hence, my surprise when I was tested by someone new. I befriended a guy I was introduced to a few months back. He was handsome, intelligent, and had a very good sense of humour—quite a good package from where I was standing. A few phone calls led to several lunches and coffees. Before I knew it, I was thinking about him more than I cared to admit. He was a divorcee as well, single and looking and I could see that he was very much interested in me. The sexual attraction was out of this world. I never had to tell anyone of my HIV status before where I stood a chance of being rejected. This situation gave me nightmares, as I knew that there was a possibility that such a revelation would terminate our growing relationship.
Time went on with each day being bittersweet. My mind knew that I wanted someone who would accept every aspect of me, but my heart loved how it felt being with him in my life. Being intimate was discussed but we felt that we should wait a bit or until we are both sure it is something we both wanted. I told him earlier that I needed some time to get to that stage with him. I so wanted to be intimate with him, but my conscience wouldn’t allow me to do it without disclosing to him first. How do I even do it, I wondered? I didn’t want to sound like a victim because I was through that stage but to confidently tell him of my status and my current state of health. I prepared myself emotionally for being rejected by him as hard as it felt. I had to understand that it was still his choice to continue dating me with the new revelation or not.
My mind knew that I wanted someone who would accept every aspect of me, but my heart loved how it felt being with him in my life.
When the day arrived, we were having ice cream on one beautiful afternoon. Even though I had a speech prepared somehow all that preparation went out of the window. “I am HIV-positive by the way,” I blurted out. Just as I expected, he never showed any sign of emotion at that moment but rather said a few comforting words. I was suddenly filled with mixed emotions. A part of me wanted him to tell me that it didn’t matter and that we were still going to be together, whilst another side of me wanted him to tell me that he cannot be with me any longer because of this virus. I wanted a definite answer so I could move forward either way. But two months went by and he never changed one bit nor said anything about my earlier revelation. I understood that I had to give him time to digest what I had just told him, but the waiting was killing me. My emotional attachment to him made the matters worse as time passed.
Then, another situation in my life required me to relocate to another town urgently. We discussed our relationship before I left and we both felt that a long-distance relationship would not suit us and so we parted ways, amicably as friends. From that moment, I decided to publicly disclose my status. I just could not see myself going through the same torture of not knowing if I will be judged, rejected, or accepted because of my status or not. As I now talk more often about my HIV status, it is no longer an issue at all. My courage conquered my fear of being liked and loved. My status even works as a repellent to those I purposely want to repel but mostly I use it as a teaching moment. I have built a strong group of family that I can rely upon when the need arises.
I can never go back to that fearful young woman. I am a courageous force to be reckoned with due to a conscious decision to love myself first and live openly with HIV—a decision that was a point of no return.
this was a beautiful empowering story that gave me chills and goosebumps