By + Ci Ci +

Disclosing my HIV status is usually one of the first things I do when I meet people.
I mean, it's not like, "Hey, my name is Ci Ci and I have HIV!"
Nah.
It's more like, if I begin to see that person being in my life (even a little), imma let them in on that part.
And it's not because HIV defines who I am;
but it most definitely affects how I operate.
For instance, what if I get close to that person, and the moment that I tell them I am HIV positive ... they leave?
Oooooouuu weeeeeee chile!!!
That hurts.
Because then that would mean that HIV is the reason why this person doesn't want anything to do with me.

" Then I would take myself back all those years to when I was first diagnosed and begin beating myself up again over some shit that I can't change."

Then I would take myself back all those years to when I was first diagnosed and begin beating myself up again over some shit that I can't change.
Whew!
It's too much.
So, I tell them that I don't care about their departure.
Something like the college drop/add period. It would be just a W- a grace period where withdrawing will not be held against you and not a WF-when its a withdrawal is a fail that taints your GPA
Just a lil tactic of mine.
Y'all know I just be doing my own shit and don’t worry about others.
And sometimes it backfires.
Like this one time I met this dude.
He was cute,
had a lot of great qualities,
and could cook: Cassava leaf soup and everything.
I was impressed.
Not only with the fact that he had his own and was holding it down,
but also, by the way that he cared for his other family members.
We had so many things in common,
And you could tell that there was mutual attraction.
So, I told him about the virus.
.
.
.
and he said he was okay with it.
Well, kinda.
He asked his questions, and I answered them to the best of my ability.
I did my best to educate and refer him to other sources.
I offered to take him to visit my doctor with me and ask more questions.
I explained to him how I'm undetectable, which means that I cannot transmit HIV,
blah blah blah.
We continued to hang out.
No big deal.
But now, the hormones began doing something craaaazy!
Tip: Here is when we usually make the most disastrous choices.
Yup, because we did it.
We used protection.
But it was at this point that it began to get weird.
We continued to talk.
We smashed a few more times.
But then he expressed his fear;
He told me that he could not do it anymore.

"As in, he could not continue a relationship with me because of HIV."

He was scared.
And I get it.
But that doesn't make it feel any better.
Was I supposed to thank him for at least trying? Was that supposed to make me feel a sense of comfort?
No lie, my feelings were hurt.
So close, yet so far from what I felt I needed at that time.
And yeah, I beat myself up again for being HIV-positive.

"What Not To Do: Don't beat yourself up. It's like you are going backwards."

That only lasted for a short while.
Because guess what?
I realized that I am not going to be everyone's twist and that there are too many people in this world for me to care that much about ONE of 'em.
You know?

*This piece was originally published HERE

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Join the conversation! Share your thoughts below in the comments section. When it comes to dating, how do you prepare yourself for disclosure?