Blindsided
January 8, 2020
When the marriage is over…
February 28, 2020
Blindsided
January 8, 2020
When the marriage is over…
February 28, 2020
20
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Love is Patient

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No one ever told you that you had to date someone in order to feel complete at some point. You just feel the need of having someone, especially when you have someone that you’re attracted to. I wanted this guy to stay, I wanted him to love me for me and not for pity because I was HIV positive. At least I knew what I deserved.

When he stood up and left the room, I did not know what to do or even what to say. I wanted to go after him and tell him the science of undetectable is untransmittable (U=U), that with an undetectable viral load I cannot transmit HIV. My virus has been undetectable for two years. In my head, I felt that if he knew that, I would convince him to stay -- but I had to let him make the choice on his own.

"At least I knew what I deserved"

My status was robbing me: robbing me of love, happiness, and sex. I wanted to be felt with no fear, I wanted to be touched with no second thoughts, I wanted to enjoy and explore sex to the best of my ability and pleasure without limitations and worries of ‘what’s next.’ A part of me felt sorry for myself because I never chose to host HIV. Another part of me felt lesser about myself. Is this the point where you tell yourself that you deserve better, and the right one for you will come?

Well I was still in such [love?] with him, at least I wanted to give him time to rethink his choice. You know, if he decides to come back, I will still be waiting for him. At some point I imagined how difficult it was for him to decide. I knew he had never had such a tough choice to make, considering that he had his health to think about.

I am not sure if I am the one who had the higher expectations for this love, or if the love itself required a lot from us, because even before we had began it felt like a battle field. Here I was blaming HIV for trying to rob me of my right to being loved. All I could do is wait. I was ready to take things slow. I was very willing to teach him about all the safety measures I knew, to make sure that he was educated about U=U and knew that I wouldn't infect him. I was eager to walk with him to my next appointment in case he doubted my words, so that maybe my doctor could help me with him. I was ready to fight.

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