Stuck In The Middle of Love And My HIV Status

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Stuck In The Middle of Love And My HIV Status

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At first, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to let go of the young man that I had managed to win for myself two days earlier. But he suspected something was wrong after our first sleepover.

The 10pm alarm and the drugs gave it away. The common excuse you give is that they are just painkillers. But, for how long will you say this?

I was not ready to disclose my HIV status. I was not even sure of how to do it. The fear of rejection had caught up with me.

You know how you stay single for so long and then you finally manage to find someone who likes you? You just don't want to let go just yet.

Then, the conversation around sex began and boom, I had no response whatsoever. I was afraid of having this conversation, what would my excuse be?

I wanted to have sex so bad. I can't just assume my status that would make things worse. Using ‘I was not ready’ and ‘it was too soon’ as my excuses bought me some time to figure out what to do.

I had promised myself that I wouldn't disclose to anyone I had just met. I wanted to give it time. But here I was, not ready to lose that one person who I felt honestly cared about me.

In the middle of love and my status, what path should I take? I knew disclosing would mean two things: either he leaves, or he is stays. And I was not prepared to deal with either.

If he left, there would be pain and heartbreak. If he stayed still there would be questions, fear of getting infected or even insecurities. And how would I tell if he honestly wanted to stay and if my status wasn't a big issue? Just how was I going to deal with all this?

After working through these emotions, I headed to his place for our next sleepover and was prepared to tell him everything.

I get there, receive my share of hugs and kisses and after a few minutes, things escalate. The room is heated, and I am halfway naked.

I don’t even know how that happened, but I was so turned on and all I wanted was to feel him inside me.

We were headed there then… my status decided to pop in my head, and I had to move back from him.

"We can't have sex. I am HIV positive." Oh shit! I had said it.

He just dressed up and left the house and left me on the floor crying.

I really can’t explain how, at that moment, I felt.

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